Life is such an art, I can’t make a “me,” and you can’t make a “you,” someone else, two other humans, made each of us all. It is all so out of our hands. We have to learn to be at peace with our lack of control, and money would have us all convinced we have a grip on things. I don’t know how I feel most of the time, going from dreams back to reality, and back to dreams. But I feel out of control, I control my actions, and my actions control absolutely nothing. I want to be like you, like them, I want to be okay with amassing money and buying a piece of land, and focusing inward, watching it all burn down slowly on the tube. I want to pretend a smile from a stranger matters less to me than money. I want to pretend that I don’t think about who I am and never get frustrated when the answers aren’t obvious. I want to pretend, but I’m no good at it. I’m just no good.

Elevators and commercial flights, someone else making your coffee for you and swearing to you that it’s “fair trade” knowing damn well they just said the word “Ethiopia” and they’ve never been to Ethiopia. Songs we listen to when we are sad, do we get lost in our minds when we hear a melody and words mashed together? How do we find our way back out of our minds? Do we pretend our way out? What do we use as our flashlight? Do we use money, knowing we need it? Knowing others care about how much of it we have. I walked past a homeless man today and I didn’t say hello. I want to be someone they smile at, not someone who makes them feel forgotten. Was I pretending too hard?

What control did they have, and what control did they lose? Are we afraid of death, or are we afraid of how it might look, feel, or be remembered? Are we worried most of all that we won’t be able to control how we are remembered? I think that we fear the lack of perceived control that death brings with it. We won’t be able to have money, buy a piece of land, show off to someone we want admiration from, give to those in need, or buy nice things for those we want to show affection to, we simply will not be.

When you speak with them does your mind drift off? Do you go somewhere in your mind that’s nowhere near the physical world? Do you ever feel something that you don’t feel confident enough to say? There is so little cohesion in mankind’s lifestyles, spread across different cultures, the only balance is that found in nature. Mankind has the choice to be a part of that nature or not, it’s a choice we are distracted and tempted from all the time. It can make people swear, commit crimes, cheat on their wives and husbands, and buy material possessions for validation; the choice to either coexist with nature or exist as a separate collective entity outside of nature. It intimidates us to the point of focusing on anything but our place in the world as a species.

These bleary-eyed and semi-dishevelled evenings on the train home, these cold and foggy mornings where everyone is freshly spruced up and dressed proper.

The lifestyle evoked by your company, adapting to hours you're not used to, maturing to the point you are more dependable than you have been before, the amassing responsibilities and intricate web of thoughts you sort through to find and reclaim your personality on your off-days.

Making the seemingly intangible present moment tangible, enjoying it. Releasing your hold on what you cannot control. Sharpening your gaze on a future you hunger for.

What you want, what your company wants, how you feel when you see so many others caught in the tug between what you want and what others want, finding a mutually beneficial compromise. Finding moments of optimism and clinging to them. Feeling stuck. Feeling stuck. Feeling stuck again. Convincing yourself money is the answer to most of your problems.

Several different ego deaths and rebirths of the self. Being so busy that when a loved one asks for a favor you want to say no, saying yes anyway. Doing your best, even when it doesn't feel like enough. Presenting an idea, getting it shot down. Imagining a world where the only jobs that exist are picking up trash and planting trees. Being useful, feeling useless, wearing a smile even when it's not how you feel inside. Seeing the bags under your eyes. A smile from a stranger.

I was going to commit suicide by cutting my own throat with a pocket knife a couple of weeks ago, and I would have never felt the warmth of the sun on my face ever again. The opportunity to feel new again, feel good, feel a sense of purpose or belonging is only one tomorrow away, even with a bad night’s sleep, tomorrow is a conscious choice worth entertaining. There are people who will listen to you when everyone else is busy distracting themselves from the great “why?” question, there are suicide hotlines for every country on Earth that would not exist if everyone, anyone, had this life figured out. When you next ask yourself “why?” try and reverse it, ask “why not?”

Candy, vegetables, alcohol, water, pornography, love, a friend, a stranger, we are faced with choices that depend entirely on our perspective every day. You can combine the word “love” with any of the other words in that last sentence and still be questioned by others and question yourself on “why” you love that.

The joy in life is found in choice, not in the actions or experiences themselves, but in the freedom of choice that turns an action into an experience. The warmth I felt from the sun shining down on me was equivalent to the warmth I felt from a stranger smiling at me. Why? Because this life is all questions and no answers, no matter what happens, I know I’m not alone.